Read Me.
Hi.
It’s been around five months since I’ve posted anything on here, so I figured I wanted to sort of catch up on everything that has happened. Goddamn, so much as happened.
Namely, I fell in love.
Remember (or not) that guy S I posted about all the time? How I didn’t understand how we weren’t together, how it was just totally and cosmically unjust he didn’t feel the same way for me, how it didn’t make sense he had a girlfriend, how it was so freaking unfair he didn’t have feelings for me when we were such, such amazing friends.
I’d loved S for a long time, whether I wanted to admit it or not. A one-sided love though - they’re different.
We were such good friends. We were together all the time. It hurt that he had a girlfriend, and that it didn’t appear that they were splitting up any time soon, but I couldn’t not be around him.
Well, one Sunday morning in May I got a text he’d broken up with her. I literally sat on my bed in the type of corny romcom shock you’d expect me to for a good five minutes. But then of course, my sense kicked in: “So what? It’s not like this means anything between you guys have changed.” Thanks sense.
We hung out a little that week, nothing new. One night we were texting, however, and I just couldn’t take having all these unanswered feelings anymore. I told him I was confused about us, and what I wanted us to be. I died. He told me he was too. I died.
We made plans to do something in the coming days. It was rainy and coldish outside, so we went to his house to watch a movie. Whether it be the James Dean or the rain or the couch soon enough (the rest of this will be even more cheesy, so prepare) we were kissing. It was weird though - it wasn’t like the whole fireworks and shit Disney tells you it’ll be. It was confusing. He’d just broken up with his girlfriend a week earlier. I felt like all of a sudden, after nearly a year of thinking of nothing but him, everything was happening so fast. It was very surreal, almost.
In the coming days he told me it had always been me. Since that first day we spent together last summer. We lost touch in September, I’d gotten my first boyfriend G, he’d started dating his ex-girlfriend. After I ended things with G him and I re-acquainted and started seeing each other again in February. He told me he’d chosen me over her the first time he saw me again that February night. He told me he wished he hadn’t taken so long to break up with her, he was just scared. He didn’t know how I felt just as I didn’t know what he was thinking.
There wasn’t really a stereotypical progression of our relationship (hanging out, seeing each other, dating, being in a relationship blah blah…). We just knew. Everything felt and still feels so right with him. I can’t describe the feeling - it’s like nothing else. This sounds all lame and whatnot but God it’s true. It’s honestly what love feels like. We were made for each other.
I don’t know if I’ll be with him in a year, or a month, or whatever. But I’m not worried. Everything is so right right now, there’s nothing in me that could even question us. It’s like I just trust with everything in me that what we have is real and right.
Last Saturday we told each other ‘I love you’ for the first time. It was hands down the most profound moment I’ve ever experienced with another person. You’ll want to slap me in the face, but we both just lay there crying (told you) and telling each other that we couldn’t believe this was happening to us.
I’ve never been this content before. Love yields this kind of steady peace that cannot be broken.
So just a note to everyone who thinks it won’t happen to them: it will. I swear to God if I found someone so perfect and so amazing, you will too. Never give up.
Oh and ps; those fireworks do exist. Just don’t expect them right away.
